Every Celebrity Needs A Strange Quirk

Whether a celebrity is a black dude with blonde hair, gangster rapper that eats cookies and drinks tea, action hero that collects tea cups, every celebrity needs a strange quirk to make them more special than they actually are.

By Chongchen Saelee

I’m at home, drinking some hot oolong tea, and craving some sweetness, I stir in 4 teaspoons of sugar and half a lime. I thought, hey, this tastes almost like honey. Or some kind of tasty, sour broth or something. And then it occurred to me that these kinds of basic drinks don’t get the hubbub it deserves because it’s not advertised all over the mass media. It’s not cool for a celebrity to be “sipping tea”, they have to sell their sponsor’s piss “beer” or “hod whiskey”.

So, if Jamie Foxx could sell plain distilled water in crystal and diamond-embedded bottles, why the heck couldn’t I sell chicken soup or tasty tomato juice the same way? I could walk around with one of those big baby adult sippy cups and every interview I’d mention what type of bev-age I was drinking at the moment, just like Snoop Dogg.

My drinks would be:

Honeydrop Blood Orange drink

Honeydrop honey-based drinks; I love honey. But you can’t drink it. I imagine there being some kind of drink that was loose like water but tastes and smells as fragrant and sweet as honey. And if you know about honey, you can’t just dilute it without losing its favored characteristics. Maybe one day there will be something like sparkling honey.

Clamato tomato cocktail

V8 Spicy Hot tomato juice

My two most favorite tomato drinks are Clamato and V8 spicy hot (really, I don’t know of any other two). Of course, these are just chilled tomato soup, but man, it actually works as a drink. A chilled glass of tomato juice and a nice piece of cheese is an awesome snack. I like Clamato because it has clam juice in it. It makes it taste really exotic. I like V8 spicy hot because it has a nice “kick” to it. I’ve tried V8’s other tomato juice flavors like the lemon one, but spicy hot has the most “spicy, exotic” taste. Again, I wonder if there was a way to make these drinks more loose like water. The flavors would just burst in your mouth. You’re drinking it for the flavor.

Thai tea

Thai tea tastes way better than any sugared coffee drinks I’ve ever had. And I love the orangish color.

Lucas spice and seasoning

I don’t know if there is a drink based on this popular Mexican seasoning called Lucas, but man, if there was… I’d love a Super Lucas type spice drink. It’d probably be tea-based or broth-based, but I love the flavor. It’s like Johnny Depp thinks he’s cool because he drinks absinthe, but I’d have my little glass of spice drink.

Honorable mention:

Mucho mango

Always see me with a mango-flavored drink. Something tropical. Mango, pineapple, coconut, pomegranate, jackfruit. Something that naturally tastes good, but looks exotic.

Ginseng drinks

Yeeeeeeuck! Ginseng drinks. Some manufacturers try to sweeten it up, but the ginseng root flavor is so strong, you might as well swallow a mouth full of dirt. But the little vials it comes in (because it’s supposedly so potent) looks real cool. You’ll be looking like Blade taking a hit of his blood-thirst-suppressing serum.

Willy Wonka flavor changing gum

If you’ve ever read or seen Willy Wonka’s flavor changing gum, imagine some gimmicky drink that could taste like a roasted turkey dinner, then became mashed potatoes. It’s not impossible because food scientists can actually engineer it. The problem is that people need to have a demand for it, otherwise they won’t manufacture it. Isn’t that ironic?


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