Tinder: The Non-dating Dating App

By Chongchen Saelee

I couldn’t possible sell you on the fakeness that is Tinder like Slutever can, an app for iPhones and maybe Windows desktops (if you download some shady makeshift software), so I’ll just tell it how it is. Tinder is meant to be a casual dating resource, much like AdultFriendFinder or Fling is suppose to be, but without all the porn and bots. Ironically, Tinder turns out to be no different, it just dresses and presents itself more tamely.

In the beginning, Tinder seemed like it was slapped together by a college intern. The GUI wasn’t bad, but the interface to customize your profile sucked. They want you to hook into your Facebook account so they can run their “beauty algorithm” to throw a bunch of facial matches at you. Mind you, if you don’t have any women outside of your relatives in your Facebook account, they’ll start throwing women that look like your female relatives at you. (Shudder) Because Facebook has THAT MUCH ANALYTICAL DATA ABOUT YOU.

On that same note, if you’ve never looked up a beautiful woman or any kind of porn on the Internet (shame if you do, shame if you don’t), then this “magic algorithm” will toss you the dogs on Tinder. I find this is the case on most online dating sites, too. It’s either run by a bunch of desperate techies hording the “hot ones” for themselves, or it’s the last resort the math can give you. I mean, c’mon, even I know I’m not THAT ugly. And were I, would that automatically make me desperate? We got some presumptious fucks behind the scenes there. Tinder and major sites like PlentyOfFish toss me some cows. Mooo-ah. C’mon.

So it’s not surprising, if Tinder is like most garbage online-dating sites, then it has its fair share of scammers and spammers, and overall fake profiles. If you happen to find a really cute girl on Tinder and there is an actual match (gasp! don’t hold your breath), and you initiate a chat in a very gentlemanly manner, she’ll still not respond. I highly doubt ALL the girls on there are that shy. I suspect these sites might be misappropriating their pics without them knowing. Who knows what kind of catfishing goes on with our profiles without our knowing?

Anyway, you can pretty much expect ZERO hookups with Tinder. No one is serious about meeting, let alone may be a real human being on the other end. You have better odds on Craigslist or Backpage. What a friggin’ shame.

Or, you can seal the deal with the next hefer that hits on you. Hey, getting laid is getting laid, am I right brosky? Broham? Up high? (crickets)

Tinder is a metal box you put your sex life in to rot and break down into dust. And it’s left on the highest shelf next to your dead relatives urn. Because you’ll never spawn offspring using Tinder.

Tinder is a waste of time.

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