Food Flavors, Textures, Shapes Freudian Substitute For Genitals By Culture

By Chongchen Saelee

I know I can’t possibly be the only adult here to make the correlation. Why is it that very “adult foods” seem to have such close tastes to genitals? I’m not trying to be juvenile here (in this case, you’d have to be a sexually-active juvenile to be able to even relate to this). Because adults like to throw around “aphrodisiac” this and that, when in actually these foods don’t do shit for people’s libidos.

And I reiterate, unless you’ve engaged in oral sex, you won’t possibly be able to relate to this article. Unless you’ve eaten said “adult foods”, then you won’t be able to make the correlation either. Anyway, here’s my observations on those “adult foods”:

Wasabi

It’s just my speculation, but it’s possible back when all the yellow monkeys were on the same mainland island of China, there were some raging homosexual yellow monkeys that were banished to the island now known as Japan. And it’s no wonder Japanese love wasabi for it’s pungent, spicy taste. It tastes like bitter asshole. I’ve only eaten one woman’s asshole, but it was clean. I can’t say so much about my own. My farts and shit smell a lot like wasabi. So my assumption is the Japanese loved eating man-ass a lot, so much so, that they had to find a food that fit their liking.

Why can I justify this? Because the process of cooking is just that, picking and choosing. You’re a caveman and you go around sticking stuff off the earth into your mouth. You’ll encounter all sorts of flavors and textures. Eventually, you find what you like the most and you’ll keep eating only that. That’s how you’re culture is formed.

So I’m assuming Japanese of the past just LOVED eating shit… literally.

Beer

What grown adult REALLY loves beer? I know I don’t. I’ve tried to deduce it as a precursor for sex because it numbs the tastebuds or whatever. That’s why it’s so heavily consumed at bars. The idea being that single men and women numb up their tastebuds at the bars before going home with a sex partner. Otherwise, I just don’t get why you would keep drinking it if it doesn’t taste good. Because I don’t want to hear excuses about it making you drunk and less inhibited. That’s bullshit. I could use that excuse everytime I eat some Pixie-Stix.

To get to the explicits: beer tastes really bitter, literally, almost like urine. Mayhaps those lonely monks that invented it favored the pissy taste of each other’s schlongs. Agains, I’m not ripping on homos, I’m trying to use some logic about how these food cultures come to be. These monks had a lot of time on their hands, so why invest all that time “perfecting” something that tastes so awful. Brewing “good-tasting” beer is incredibly ironic, ain’t it.

Look at the shape of modern beer bottles.

Sausages and Pretzels

I love German sausage and pretzels, but something about the sheer phallic-ness of holding one giant meat stick in one hand, and another gigantic twisted breadstick in the other hand makes me nervous. The possible origin of this is that the men were away at war and the women had a lot of free time on their hands, so without getting any D but also needing to eat, I think that’s the natural progression of why the shapes came to be.

I highly doubt it has to do with natural shape of intestines and stuffing them. There are more efficient shapes that make eating foods more ergonomic and portable. That’s coming up…

Asian noodles and other phalluses or literally peen

Asians have a wide variety of noodle shapes: long, wide, thin, thick, etc. But the best BS answer is to eat longer noodles because it gives you longer life. Psssh (bullshit!) Martin Yan. But it’s interesting that noodles are more bite-size and practical to eat rather than being outright phallic. Mayhaps it is a process of watching people choke is why it evolved the way it evolved (not that you can’t choke like a dumbass on noodle, too).

So if noodles don’t have any type of sexual undertones, then you can look at the real Asian sex food culture of consuming actual tiger penis or komodo dragon penis or whatever peen, in hopes of getting that male vigor they may desire.

As for flavors, the only one I can think of right now that could remotely be sexual would be stinky tofu. Why??? I may get the feeling it’s the ultimate joke on tourists, but I don’t know for sure.

Not tastewise, but shapewise are steamed buns and pot-stickers or other dim-sum. They resemble handful sized breasts, buttocks, scrotum and testicles. C’mon, tell me that’s not what they resemble. The chefs who originated it must have been really repressed or that’s what the doctor ordered, meaning the people who ate it only wanted it in those shapes. Sex, sex, sex on the mind, even when you dine.

And Asians eat fruit shaped like babies. Tell me that’s not freaky or has some sexual undertones.

Clams, mussels, shrimp, seafood heaven

Do I need to elaborate? It may be by coincidence, as seafood will naturally taste like the sea, but if you love it raw, then it may be sexual. It’s about the overall food culture of trying to make it sexual. Otherwise, no shit, there wouldn’t be any correlation. You’re not thinking about eating a woman’s pussy when you’re eating shrimp or clams or whatever, you’re hungry, you’re eating seafood, that’s that. I just want to figure out the origins of these becoming so-called “aphrodisiacs”.

Afterthoughts

So, that’s the list of “adult” foods I could think about. It’s a wonder why children don’t like them because they are associated with sex and sexuality. It makes you wonder why a man eating a peach could turn on a woman, well, there’s some context to it in our culture. There’s some psychology as well.

What do you think? Are there other “adult foods” out there that fit this classification, foods that just don’t taste good but seem to be exclusively “adult” or have a sexual origin? Did I miss some? Let me know in the comments.

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